What If You’re Measuring the Wrong Things?

Last week, I took my aunt to her cardiac surgeon for a follow-up appointment.

She had just undergone a triple bypass after a heart attack—her first. She’s the “healthy one” in our family. Disciplined. Balanced. She walks. She eats clean. She doesn’t do anything to excess. And still—her heart gave out.

She’s the third woman I love to have a heart attack this year.

On the drive, our conversation veered away from doctors and recovery and into something deeper: life, balance, and how we measure success. She told me about a former boss—an incredibly sharp, capable man who never rose above manager because he put his family first. He didn’t play politics. He didn’t perform for the promotion. He chose what mattered to him—and people looked down on him for it.

I told her, “Sounds like that man defined success on his own terms.”

That line stayed with me. Because for most of us, success was never defined by us. It was handed to us. And we’ve been exhausting ourselves trying to live up to someone else’s metrics ever since.

The Metrics We Never Chose

We are taught to believe success is linear. That it’s found in climbing higher, doing more, sacrificing now so that someday, maybe, we’ll get to live.

But for many high-achieving women, those metrics start to feel empty. Not because we’ve failed—but because we’ve outgrown them.

Research continues to show that women in midlife and leadership are more likely to experience elevated stress and burnout—not from lack of capability, but from the cumulative toll of misaligned work, societal expectations, and the chronic undervaluing of presence over performance (Bianchi & Schonfeld, 2021; Lyness & Judiesch, 2020).

While I was in Alaska last month on a long-overdue trip with my mom and sister, I stood on the deck of a boat, watching a whale rise from the ocean. And I thought: This is success too.

Breathing clean air. Feeling awe. Sharing a bucket list moment with the people I love.

It didn’t check a box on a résumé. But it checked a box in my soul.

What Needs to Be Rewritten

If you feel stuck or unfulfilled right now, ask yourself this:

• What am I measuring?
• Who taught me to value those things?
• And do they still reflect the life I want to be building?

You don’t need a complete overhaul. But you do need an honest audit.

Because when we don’t define our own metrics, we default to ones that exhaust us.

One Small Shift

Here’s a micro-coaching practice to try this week:

Write down three things you’ve been taught to measure (titles, income, productivity, how busy you are).
Then write three things you actually want to feel (peace, creativity, connection, ownership).
Look at where they align—and where they conflict.

That contrast? That’s your clarity.

Final Thoughts

You don’t have to have a heart attack to realize you’re living by rules that don’t serve you. You don’t have to wait for a breakdown to choose a different way.

Success isn’t something you earn. It’s something you define.

Start now.

~Dr. Shans

References

Bianchi, R., & Schonfeld, I. S. (2021). Burnout is associated with a depressive syndrome: A re-examination with special focus on atypical depression. International Journal of Stress Management, 28(3), 252–261. https://doi.org/10.1037/str0000206

Lyness, K. S., & Judiesch, M. K. (2020). Gender egalitarianism and work–life balance for managers: Multisource perspectives in 36 countries. Journal of Applied Psychology, 105(6), 585–602. https://doi.org/10.1037/apl0000445